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Looking Backward and Forward from this Place

©Jane Chesebrough

I  made the commitment to travel back and forth every week for the Leadership classes  then decided I wanted and needed to return to the city to move forward.Things were not supportive in the way I needed in the  town where I was  and no longer the same at my old church in the city, either. The minister had decided to leave and  finished the courses with us but with much less gusto than when she had started. I have the satisfaction of knowing that I finished the courses and use the skills for what I do now in my work and home life.Had my stuff in storage for a year then I let everything go since I had no way to bring it back to the city, no home to move it to and was in debt. I was horribly depressed and homeless for  awhile and stayed at one place, then another,  all temporary until I moved here for the past year and that has been  both a relief and a challenge for me. It took a lot of faith that I no longer seemed to have,  but I moved through the process one step at a time.
 
Now… I am moving into my own place to get my own space and get back to having room to be creative and answering only to myself within this space.  I don’t go to the old church because I work on Sundays. In retrospect, nothing is the same as it was before, I am glad that I warned myself that it wouldn’t be the same, it was a shock but I needed to let go of a lot.

 I am seeing a spiritual director whom I met while on a retreat.She challenges me gently, is nurturing and helps me look within with no expectations or manipulation with regards to beliefs, something I wouldn’t expect , but these are values of directorship that she adheres to. She meets me where I am, and follows my cues as where to make suggestions.The hardest person to forgive has been myself  because of the choices I made that got me into the mess in the first place but I am slowly moving forward and letting go of the past as I embrace New Beginnings. I like the analogy that God works best with empty vessels so  am choosing and asking for help  to empty my vessel of anger, bitterness and resentment and refill  with Forgiveness, Love and Peace.
 
I have the extra challenge of poor health at this time but  that forces me to drop all superfluous activity and pay attention to what work needs to be done in the moment. It is good.

Funny how we change our minds about where we live and where we want to live, and what beliefs we can choose  to let go of and what beliefs we can choose to embrace or even re-embrace. It is my choice to move forward in Gratitude, Faith, Hope and Love and embrace all the good that is within and around me.

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