Taking a Risk – Saying Yes, Saying No

Interesting, as I examine my self-sabotage lately. My old job was coming to an end and a new one beginning- I missed the photo club’s due dates to enter the year-end competitions-not that I would win, but it got me involved in doing something that I love to do-taking pictures and growing in skill and as a person. Other duties were distractions from the club activities and I would have to drop the club anyway because the meetings and outtings and workshops did not fit with my new schedule at the new job. I was very disappointed in myself  for missing the photo-entry deadlines ( I am being so polite with words-i was p****d off at me and the world).

 The closing of the  old place where I worked was a long process as residents were being re-located and few of the promises from other organizations were kept- the whole process was so emotionally draining and I had injured my knee and was stuffing all the wrong food and gaining even more weight on an already overweight body. Not good self care.  I had another job lined up because when we lost ours we had two days to apply for this new one that was offered and it appeared to be what I wanted except that I had to leave two weeks earlier than originally planned but Ihave another job waiting, in fact I started the day after I finished the other one. Aren’t I lucky! (so everyone told me) My part was to just ” go with the flow” and stop being so resistant cause that makes it worse and “align myself with spirit”, and “think positive”,blah, blah, blah . These were the messages that I was telling myself, but  WHY WAS I SO MISERABLE?

I followed other people’s suggestions to go ahead, that  it would be good and I love them for their encouragement BUT I had a big nagging sensation that I was people-pleasing  and  not listening to my intuition. I remembered reading once that self sabotauge can be a good thing when we say no to something that may not be a good choice for us in the long run.

In retrospect, when I was offered the chance of a new job it was too fast of a decision and when told that I got the new job, it was not a yippee! moment and while sitting in training I wanted to get the hell out of there and knew I was going to be very busy with the new job and accountable for planning and implementing a recreation program and surrounded by alot of people – could see some positives but  my dreams were disappearing…it had already been happening for the last few weeks  as I had no energy left for persuing my on-line course in Photography. 

 I wanted to get back into focusing on what I really want and let it manifest rather than ignoring my heart and forcing myself into the flow of this company which is a good company but all-consuming. I called the supervisor over at a break yesterday during training and said that I had been resisting and struggling for weeks but the bottom line is that I felt it just wasn’t a good fit for me and as I answered her Why? and described some feelings that went with job duties, I heard myself saying that that would just drive me crazy-then it was more concrete for me and her and we agreed that I would not stay. What did I feel? RELIEF! 

 Yes, there is some fear. Less secure but to be truthful the new job was only 30 hours a week. It is like I believe in God again, trusting in this outcome more than when I was trying to “fit” my schedule and my personality into the job. I believe that as I focus on what I want I will bring this into my life, that working on “not resisting” was just counter-productive and way too draining; I was only attracting more of what I did NOT want. 

 Finally- after agonizing over this issue for weeks, I made a choice. I followed my intuition. I said no to the job and yes to my dreams.

So…photo for the day? Maybe not a bird…Hmmm…maybe this one…

©Jane Chesebrough