Such Drama! But thanks for listening.
I did go on about being ill and so publicly, the exact opposite of what my mother taught me. “don’t hang your dirty laundry in public.” I admit that I was scared and my thinking can take off madly in all directions at the best of times, but when I am sick? Oh boy.
I am feeling better today, partially because the new antibiotics are kicking in and partially because I phoned the learning centre today and withdrew, precisely so I can take the time I need to recuperate.
It was one thing to take the workshops but when the actual job search started on top of that, when I didn’t feel well in the first place, it was too much. I was pushing myself then, doing things outside of work and going to doctors, acquiring clothes and the balance got tipped. I think that the combination of the illness plus the nature of the medications put me on a bit of a roller coaster ride of emotional highs and lows and anything but rational thinking. But that is what happens when you get sick. It is good to have a support system of friends who can drop in or call and help you make decisions regarding whether you are sick or well, whether to get up or stay in bed, take time off or push yourself a little more. Thank goodness for friends including blog friends who have been giving me feedback.
Yes, I have been into the drama. And the self-pity. And the resentment at the “system” that rewards workaholism and 60 hour weeks and going beyond the call of duty. A lot of us are working in merged jobs where it used to take two people to do the duties. As I pushed harder and got more out of touch with myself and more out of control, I really felt like it was survival of the fittest and I was losing , big time.
Some of the pushing paid off. I got pro-active about my health and finding out what was going on with the cough that never goes away. A little scary, but not surprising, is the discovery of a drug-resistant bacteria .There might be some further investigation with tests and visits to a lung specialist. The good thing is, I am on pretty powerful antibiotics that should work to defeat this bacteria and actually heal me.
I share this so others may grasp an answer they have been looking for, or find that point of connection that says “oh yes, I know what you mean.” It is very important for me to keep in touch with the things that I love and the people that I love and the quiet time in my little corner where I can breathe, be still and listen. Especially important when I am “not myself.” It has been quite the week for a lot of us: health issues, family issues, hurricane Sandy. Be good to yourself and take the time. I am.
©Jane Chesebrough
My Heartsong 